The desire to be honest is tricky. I fell for it. Two months ago, I had an amazing conversation with my friend Josytha. She asked me some questions that invited me to be honest about myself. I loved the freedom that came as a result so much, that I wanted to be more honest with myself.
Today, I had another conversation with Josytha and basically the same thing happened. This time, I had to admit that I could not even keep the promise of being honest.
Yes, if I am truly honest, I have to admit that I am not always honest to myself.
That is honesty on a different level. It is much easier to create the mission of being honest and doing my best. Not really. I had easily failed that mission. And now I had to admit that.
The quest to be honest created a mission.
I felt that I would be successful if I would complete that mission. I was not aware that I was judging myself for not being completely honest all of the time. I made the desire to be truly honest into a vision again, that I should not be dishonest and made a trap for myself.
It was such a relief to be okay with the fact that I had not always been honest. It helped me to be more honest with myself, actually.
I am learning to live in this paradox of life.
Paradox is actually where I experience life the most. Only when I let go of the idea that life has to look this way or that way, I can accept everything that comes my way. And when I accept it, I can make much better decisions about what I really want.
Our conversation today ended with me cracking up. I saw again how serious I take myself and how little actually matters. We humans are running away from what we do not want and pursuing that which we think will make us happy. I laughed for minutes seeing how silly all (our ideas about) our accomplishments are in the bigger picture.
This post does not even approach what I truly want to say, but that is okay. It is not text that will convey the true message anyway. I hope that my life will. That is what I want to pursue anyway. But not really.
Not without admitting that I am actually full of shit. And it is okay. We all are.